Chaotique [entries|friends|calendar] Stephanie [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

back at the parents house [11 Dec 2006|06:18pm] [ mood | sad ] I am no longer on my own. I moved back in with my mom today. My life right now is painful. But I'm entering a new chapter and I'm ready for a change! post comment

Long time no see [01 Dec 2006|11:30pm] [ mood | Comfortable ] Journal, We havn't spoken in ages. I now live in apartment with my boyfriend. We've been living together since July. We have a dog, his name is Toby. I was going to school full-time, then I proceeded to drop on class, then I dropped all of them. I took a lot of time off and sat on my ass which wasn't good for me mentally. I'm in the process of getting a job. I just need to wait to get my FIA Childcare Clearance. Hopefully then I will get a job at this daycare on Shelden just north of Warren called Childrens World. I have red hair. I have bangs. My hair is short. Just call me Strawberry Shortcake! 2 comments|post comment

[27 Jun 2006|02:32pm] [ mood | content ] I've lost 10 lbs the last month. I'm pretty confortable with where I'm at but if I lost another 10lbs that'd be cool too. I'm dating a wonderful guy named Mike. I met him a few years ago at Kristens house. He was dating somebody and I think I was still in Growth Works. I ran across him on Myspace after not talking to him in ages, and we just clicked. Funny how that happens. I'm going to Cedar Point tomorrow, with my brother and mother. I can't wait that's gonna be fun! I got a new cell phone but stil have the same phone number. I'm eager to start classes, I start on July 5th. I just saw my dad recently that was kinda weird but it went smoothly thank god! I'm slowing down, learning to smell the roses, and live in the present. For the past year and a half I was living in the what if, and when, world. now I'm focused on now and what I'm doing now, and how it will affect me later. I'm thinking about getting a job at a pizza place, just part time. Sometime when I'm bored I'm going to go back and read all of my entries and look at how much has happened in my life since I started Livejournal. Gotta love time travel! Peace... 2 comments|post comment

holy hell [09 Jun 2006|03:25pm] [ mood | accomplished ] Isn't that an interesting subject? Kind of contradicting. Well well, last time I wrote was in January, and it's now June. 6 months! hey good for me I can count lol. I broke up with Eric, FINALLY. It needed to be done. I wasn't happy anymore with our relationship and it was starting to hurt my spirit. I was living the life he wanted me to live. I was doing for him things I wasn't doing for myself. I didn't have time for myself. Every waking moment was focused on him and his needs. DING DING not what I was looking for! Independence is a GOOD THING! I just finished working at a livonia public school. I'm excited for the time I've got off untill I start school. I start July 5th, Schoolcraft. I'm taking 2 classes. One looks like it's gonna suck, the other I'm excited about. I'm scared and eager for this new chapter in my life. I want to have fun and be young. I need to get in contact with Kristen, she's a cool chick and I want us to start hanging out if she's not to busy. I don't really know what else to say other than I feel like a ton of bricks have been lifted off of me. YAY for excess weight being lifted! post comment

yikes [13 Jan 2006|02:26pm] [ mood | nervous ] I need to start taking time out for me. I worry to much about others and pleasing them. Shit I want to DO A GOOD DEED and I'm afraid to because of what he'll say. But screw it I'm doing it because it's the right thing to do. If he get's upset he get's upset, I'm doing the right thing. One of there relitives just died they need me.I'm not doing it for me or to piss him off I'm doing it because it's the right thing to do. God why can't he see that? work=stress he doesn't know what he does to me.... the pressure to keep him happy, i do the best i can and if that's not enough i don't know what to say. I'm not going to give in what I did last night was totally fine ,except the whole internet thing everything else was rational, it's not like we had these HUGE plans, whatever happened to flexibility, you expect me to be flexible and change what i was doing because you didn't have class, where is the return? Sometimes i don't get you and I fear I won't ever get you. That makes me sad, I wish you could see what I see. You think I just tell my mom and brother the half truth no I tell it all because i want there TRUE opinion not just somebody to agree with me, I tell everything and they don't agree with me just because I'm the sister or I'm the daughter the agree with me because it's the right thing to do and i did nothing wrong. I think a word that we need to learn is FLEXIBILITY! makes life easier, more enjoyable, because i can tell you right now it's not very enjoyable it's stressful. And no guy is going to tell me what I can and can't do. my damn mother doesn't even do that what makes you have the right to do that? I am woman hear me rawr!!!!!!!!!! post comment

recently [04 Dec 2005|11:02pm] [ mood | accomplished ] continuing my job search. Nikki called me with good news concerning a job with an autistic child, I have an interview tomorrow morning. If I don't get the job, then there are two child care centers in plymouth that are hiring and I'll be getting apps. from those places and submitting them. I PRAY TO FRICKEN GOD I GET THIS JOB TOMORROW. If I don't though it won't be the end of the world. Life goes on. Helped out my mom today by going out to babysit the nephew with her. She really didn't feel like it but felt obligated because she is grandma. so I went with her and she sat and read her paper. I was happy because I knew that I was helping her out. I was sapose to go to the Dave Matthews concert on Saturday but I didn't because I had a fuckin' horrible headache. so I figured Headache+concert=not good. Instead I stayed at Erics house we went out to a chinese buffet that wasn't that fabulous but it was food. Then we went back to his place watched Enemy of the State. AWESOME movie. We then watched the Pistons game which was great I love my basketball. I started getting my crazy leg pain again so I layed on erics bed oposite of him my head tward his feet while he rubed my leg and then I feel asleep hugging his legs. At 1:00am he woke me up said he was starting my car and letting it warm up before he drove me home, because he was snowing and I was sleepy and me driving in snowy conditions sleepy is not a good combo. He was so sweet got me all bundled up and had the heat blowing on me so I wasn't cold. WHAT A CARE-TAKER! Gotta love him. Then I got hom he tucked me in and I went to sleep. He's so good to me. Couldn't ask for a better man to call mine. We're starting to live in the future again and I want it to stop. I think it's good to plan and shit but that's what got us in trouble before, we wern't living in the now we were living in the future. We're both just so god damn impatient. I can't wait till i get a job and then it's summer and I move out and start school. but I have to wait untill July. FUCKING WAITING PERIODS SUCK ASS. On another note I want a dog. It sucks not having a dog in the house anymore. I miss Woody. Sent out my Christmas cards this past friday, in them I wrote a note about what's going on in my life and my future plans etc. Just to keep people updated. I havn't heard from my dad since I wrote him my past letter. I'm kinda sad but at the same time I'm not. I'm glad I got out what I needed to get out, if he interrperted it wrong that's his illness speaking. Regardless I sent him a Christmas card. He's still my dad and I'll always love him. I just wish he understood that. He means well he's just disterbed and hurt and needs professional help. BUT that will never happen. Hense I love him for him. I hope I can sleep tonight. I've got an important interview tomorrow. I weighted myself today, was kinda dissapointed. Slender Steph is up to 136/137. This is the most I've ever weighted in my life. In a sense I don't really care and in another sense I kinda do. I miss my old weight of 120. But even weighing 125 would be ideal. Oh well if I'm really all that concerned I'll start working out, doing cardio. even though i hate it because then I cna't breath. Shit maybe I gained weight because I've been toning my arms and legs. haha wishful thinking. well Muscle does weight more then fat. though my tummy has a nice roll-o-fat! anyways I'm still pretty happy with my health just want to tone up the bod. WHEN WILL MY MOTHER/SISTER LEARN THAT MY ILLNESS ISN'T ME. I may act implusive sometimes but it's when I'm not in "control" of my illness. Other than that I'm pretty damn stable in my eyes. Oh well if they don't see it at least I do. I just don't want it to screw up my relationship with my nephew. Love my mom and sister but my sister drives me bonkers. well I need to hit the sack.... I'm excited for breakfast tomorrow eggs, toast, maybe a slice of bacon. post comment

[25 Nov 2005|11:50am] I need to call amy. 1 comment|post comment

[25 Nov 2005|11:35am] [ mood | content ] Thanksgiving with Erics family was very fun and interesting. and at some points a bit tense. but that's family oh well. we had a heart to heart with his mom because she was all upset about the upcomming christmas. I'm excited for when my nephew comes over today because we're doing thanksgiving with my family today. I made cookies and pie and i can't wait to stuff my face with them. I got a message from Brandon and it was concerning some things that I left at his apartment, I don't need them that's why I left them. If he wants them he can keep them if not he can throw them out. I don't really care. it's not gonna bother me a bit. so just for kicks I read brandons journal and saw that his "saposed ex, but to her she wasn't but to him she was yeah confusing situation. ANYWAYS aparently she fell into his trap and is prolly going to be using her car again and she's being weak etc. but I'm only say these things because I already told her this, I'm the kind of person that has balls and doesn't talk about somebody unless I already let them know how I feel. anyways wasn't to eager to recieve and e-mail from brandon but it was a nice thought on his part, to include me on the decision. props to brandon, a first in a while. ANYWAYS what bothered me was being protrayed as a "little bitch" by his ex girlfriend. I know i should't really care but I do. Because it's so sad to me that somebody could protray me that way when what i did was take care of myself. If taking care of myself makes me a bitch than shit I'm a bitch lol. ROCK OUT STEPH. anyways seeing as I didn't stay there if I did I would have been there for a month by myself. shit am i glad i got outa there. all that drama. I dunno guess I'm selfish and want to surround myself my "sound" "rational" people, who are self reliant. alright that was my rant. I scaled it down because I didn't want to be a jerk. Because I'm a great person. well I'm off to get naked and shower. Brandon, I know you're going to disregard what i say right now. but PLEASE don't respond to what I'm saying. I said it because it's my journal and i needed to get it out. You got what you wanted a needy woman with expectations that you don't want to adhear to. if you do respond. I won't read it because I don't care. Again as you've said before in your journal entries you write for you. I wish you well with your girlfriend. I'm sorry your life is crap like you think it is. well I write for me. and nobody else. post comment

my family sucks [22 Nov 2005|06:18pm] I fucking do shit around the house for my mom get no thanks steph I appreciate what you did. even a thanks would be cool. All I get is being home alone all day doing shit for other people and then when I go downstairs because I hear my mom i ask her what we're doing for dinner and she says " Scott and I are going out to eat" I said " am I not invited" She said no just scott just asked me out, theres food in the freezer. This is the first thing she says to me when I see her. And I'm told I'm rude. That fucking hurts. I've been home all day cleaning and whatnot and the first thing is yeah your not invited eat something from the freezer. That fucking blows so what maybe I'm just a baby as I'm sitting here hurt as fuck crying my eyes out. I've NEVER not been invited to dinner unless like they were all dressed up and shit. UUHH I hate my family they are so fucking bogus! post comment

[22 Nov 2005|11:09am] [ mood | cranky ] I have fish. They are cute, I have a school of fish 6. And 2 "upside down catfish", yes that is the technical term, they are funny as hell. Delilah pissed me off today because she knocked over my cup of water on my nightstand and it got all over my bed. I had to strip my bed and throw it in the washer. OHH I wanted to smack her. but I didn't. My brother installed a new hardrive into my computer YAY and I no longer have WindBLOWS/Windows, YAY. I now have Linux, and it rocks, I just need to get used to it. omg Delilah is eating fish food remnense WHAT A WEIRDO My awesome agenda today: -Finish cleaning bed sheets -clean kitchen -remove clean dishes from dishwasher and apply dirty ones to it -vacuum living room, parents room, and scotts office -clean the glass tables in the living room -vacuum stairs -vacuum my room -dust my room -go out and buy TIDE HE detergent -shower -kill Delilah, I MEAN pet like crazy i think that's it TOMORROW -Need to clean fishtake ALREADY seeing as I was a retard and gave them to much food and the water is all cloudy. (haha) -If didn't already do any of the things on my list yesterday it's getting done today -Get bitched at by my mom about how i don't have a job and need to get one ( She'll be home all day YAY ) -SEE ERIC YAY a wonder finish to my day DUNNO what we'll do though, maybe he can instruct me on how to clean the fish tank haha conclusion ---------- DON'T FEED YOUR FISH TO MUCH SHRIMP PELETTS, THEY ABSORBE WATER BECAUSE THEY ARE CONDENSED... (fucking moran, haha) ugh drempt weird dreams, they suck. make me feel feelings. FUCK YOU FEELINGS!!! post comment

[16 Nov 2005|11:53pm] [ mood | silly ] signed on to yahoo and aim for the first time since I talked to Nick. I've been avoiding aim and yahoo messenger because I know I'd see him on. I hurt him and that's the last thing I wanted to do. He's a really good guy and deserves a great chick. Unfortunatly I got back with Eric because he and I had a past/potential etc. I just am avoiding the computer I guess because I know I'll see him on and I'm fucking weak in the sense that I can't just see him on and avoid him or see him on and act like nothing happened when something did happen. What happened is I hurt him and he has expectations and those expectations arn't going ot be met and it makes me feel like crap because I hate hurting people. GOD I WANT A SMOKE. I'm looking forward to tomorrow, chillin' at Eric's house while he study's because I don't feel like being at home Scott is being a prick. mom is being smelly and a bit pushy. the only person I can tolerate at my home is my brother and he's never home. my brother and the cats, yay. horray for me. throw a fucking party lol. Anyways, I'm looking forward to this weekend Eric and I are going to a fuckin' Pet Expo in NOVI and I'm all uber excited to see dogs and cats and animals of all shapes and sizes, there is sapose to be fuckin' PIGS there! OH I can't wait, haha and i ate bacon today and it was GOOD. Anyways my body is shaking and I think it's because I'm cold, I should get into bed and get some sleep. YIKES I should really go to bed bath and beyond tomorrow but I'm going ot be a fucking lazy ass and a selfish bitch because I want to celebrate Thanksgiving with my boyfriend and his family on thanksgiving and then I want to celebrate thanksgiving with my family the folowing day. GOD I"M SELFISH and I don't care.This is my life and you only live it once. I also want to spend time with my boyfriend HOW HORRIBLE SHOOT ME! anyhow I'll get a job eventualy I just want to wait untill after thanksgiving. goodnight, I'm cold. BUT NOT AS COLD AS I WAS IN TACOMA!!!!! fucking heater that you don't have control over. CONTROL IS GOOD! oohh ooohh is snowed today :) made me smile, even though i was bringing the trash buckets in lol for the second time in my life. 1 comment|post comment

[16 Nov 2005|10:05am] Socially Smart As a socially smart person, you are best with others in real-life situations. This type of intelligence is closely linked to being 'street smart.' Theories and such are not much concern: the things that matter tend to be those which you can see, feel, touch - what you can really experience. This knowledge comes to you both out of a natural knowledge, as well as learning from the situations you find yourself in. 60% applied intelligence 0% learned intelligence Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com <td align="center">Kindness Kindness is most important in a boyfriend/girlfriend. You want someone who will go through everything with you - the best moments and the worst, and all of those other moments in between. You love to be able to say anything to your partner, and have them say anything to you. You are able to be extremely close with your partner for that reason. Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com</td> ^ That is SSSOOO Eric and I post comment

Emotionaly exahasted [15 Nov 2005|03:09pm] [ mood | confused ] woke up bright and early, cosidering I went to bed so damn early because i had a headache. So yeah I woke up at 8:00 all excited to drive out to the Jackson Childcare Center. Nikki my brothers girlfriend informed me that they we looking for substatitutes in a program that she works for. So since this past Saturday I've been all geeked and excited about going and applying for the job. I wasn't going to have to work weekend or holidays it was gonna be GREAT. well unfortunatly I got there with a grin on my face and left with a frown. To be a sub you need experience YEARS of experience, which I don't have OR you have to have some college under your belt. so great now I have to drag myself back over to target where i don't get holidays off or weekends. but it's only temporary. untill i start school this fall. So yeah the reason it was emotionaly exahasting. I came home dissapointed, scott looked at me ans asked" how'd it go" i responded with a "eh'" I was hungry so I made some eggs and toast. then I went on the couch for a little while because I was cranky. I was really frustrated and angry, that's not a reason to smoke, but at the time that was what i felt was what i needed to do. luckly Sott upheld to what i asked him even though it pissed me off like No fucking other. he said no if you want em buy them yourself. and he said you'll live. I left with an abrupt well then why don't you quit, then i went upstairs punched the wall slammed my door started crying because i knew i couldn't vent in my journal because our internet was down at our house. scott came in told me not to slam doors and then i cried and cried and was really frustrated because of what happened that morning and then i couldn't smoke and i couldn't write in my journal. so I slept. I needed to sleep it off. I woke up at 3:00pm Eric had called my house but didn't leave a message, i don't know why he doesn't it's weird. lol. Looked at the mail and my dad sent me something so did canton highschool. so now I finally have my highschool diploma and i don't know what to do with it lol. Dadsent me a letter concerning insurance and then had a kitten card in there and all he wrote in it was love dad. it was kinda weird but I'm pretty good at interrperting my dad considering we both have borderline personality disorder just his isn't treated. I wrote him a long ass letter two pages 12pt font. I want to read it over with Eric before I send it. ugh I just want to be held. even though it really pissed me off I'm really happy Scott told me no. I MISS WOODY! I think we're having chinese for dinner and that makes me happy I miss that addictive food. DORETOS ROCK MY WORLD! p.s Eric you're amazing :) post comment

aaaahh fuck [11 Nov 2005|05:57pm] Eric sent me an e-mail. and I now don't know what the hell to think. I thought about him before our anniversary of corse! I'm not that COLD-HEARTED. What he had to say made a lot of sense. I'm just so god-dammed comfused as to why men want to be with me. I talked to me mom about what Eric wrote and let her read it because I don't know what the hell to think! She thinks he still has it in his heart to be with me. And quite frankly I have it in mine to be with him. I just don't know what I want! I mean I still care about him and love him, he and i dated for almost a year! I want the best for him as a person, and I don't know if that's me. I feel like i just stress the hell out of him. I'm too ooie gooie and emotional. I would really like to talk to him and sort some things out. I think for a while I was resenting him and that's why I was so abrupt and rude in the end. I was hurt, confused,scared,etc. I'm mean shit I'm 18 years old. I just got into adulthood and I'm being presented with so much. But everybody has their trials and errors. I dunno I called his cell and left a message almost started crying. I called his house and his brother said he was in the bathroom and that he'd call me back, but he's not called yet so I dunno. If he doesn't call that's fine this is his life and I just want him to be happy. I wonder if he was the one that wrote the annonymous comment? if so that would be interesting. on another note my mom and i had to put my dog to sleep today. That was really hard. I'm still really upset about it. even though he wasn't a "real" dog I still loved him like he was one. I MISS WOODY! growl I hope Eric calls me back this is gonna bug me. post comment

[08 Nov 2005|11:35pm] [ mood | excited ] Your dating personality profile: Liberal - Politics matters to you, and you aren't afraid to share your left-leaning views. You would never be caught voting for a conservative candidate. Stylish - You do not lack for fashion sense. Style matters. You wouldn't want to be seen with someone who doesn't care about his appearance. Big-Hearted - You are a kind and caring person. Your warmth is inviting, and your heart is a wellspring of love. Your date match profile: Big-Hearted - You want someone compassionate, someone gentle and kind. A loving, nurturing person will fill that hole in your life. Adventurous - You are looking for someone who is willing to try new things and experience life to its fullest. You need a companion who encourages you to take risks and do exciting things. Romantic - You need someone with a traditional understanding of romance. A true romantic is a must-have in any potential date. Your Top Ten Traits 1. Liberal 2. Stylish 3. Big-Hearted 4. Adventurous 5. Outgoing 6. Romantic 7. Athletic 8. Sensual 9. Practical 10. Intellectual Your Top Ten Match Traits 1. Big-Hearted 2. Adventurous 3. Romantic 4. Conservative 5. Wealthy/Ambitious 6. Practical 7. Athletic 8. Traditional 9. Stylish 10. Outgoing Take the Online Dating Profile Quiz at Dating Diversions You Are A: Kitten! Cute as can be, kittens are playful, mischevious, and ever-curious. Like you, kittens hate getting wet. Kittens are often loving, but are known to scratch or bite when annoyed. These adorable animals are the most popular pets in the United States--37% of American households have at least one cat. Whether it is your gentle purr or your disarming appearance, you make a wonderful kitten. You were almost a: Lamb or a Duckling You are least like a: Turtle or a FrogWhat Cute Animal Are You? Nick is comming to MI! not this weekend but the following weekend. I should talk to Kristen and see if she wants to meet the fucker. I'm so VULGER! 2 comments|post comment

[08 Nov 2005|12:14pm] [ mood | sick ] I want to rip my uterus OUT! plus i have a major headache, yuck. post comment

[08 Nov 2005|12:32am] [ mood | drained ] I are home YAY p.s. long plane rides with sucky movies stink hard core. post comment

yay babies! [06 Nov 2005|11:17pm] [ mood | giddy ] had a wonderful day. spent it with wonderful people. got to hold a beautiful baby boy, and fed him twice and I made him burp! also got him to go to sleep. Oh makes me want to see my nephew so bad! this baby boy is a little older than my nephew. he was 2 months old and my nephew is just under a month. Had a wonderful day, loved spending it with Steve and Lindas family. at first i felt a bit akward like i was intruding or something but then they made me feel like i was one of the family! Lindas daughter Chris was even like" She should be around more often!" this was concerning me taking care of the baby and all. yeah god knows you can't keep me from babies! I love em' to bits! he even spat up on me and i didn't care. it just made my biological clock start ticking. BUT THAT"S GOTTA STOP! all i had to do was look at the 6 year old and i was like yeah stop tickin! had a wonderful conversation with Nick. Like usual, well that's because he actually TALKS on the phone unlike some people. Tehehe and i had a surprise up my sleve for him tonight and hopefully he remembers that i called him in the middle of the night. I felt bad doing so but i just couldn't wait any longer. I'm eager to get home, not looking forward to the 5 hour plane ride to Chicago, and then the 2 hour delay! not fun! but then it will be like a 30-45 minute ride to D-Town and then i get to see my big bro YAY! I can't wait!!!! I can't wait to sleep in my own bed and wake in my own bed. post comment

eh' okay? [05 Nov 2005|08:05pm] [ mood | relieved ] Met up with Kat, gave her the keys to lock up Brandons apartment. Desi will be taken care of by Kat. Met Steve and Linda they are super sweet people. Met their daughter and grandaughter and grandson who's 2 months old, freakin' cute as hell. Talked to my mom and she's glad I'm okay. talked to NIck this morning. CABLE omg it's great! I'll be home Monday night around 10:00pm. Thats my story and I'm stickin to it! Callin' Amy on Tuesday and hopefully she and i will hang out then so i can give her all the dirty details of what happend on my adventure. I also need to call Nikki so we can set up a date to talk about my adventure aswell. AND anybody else that is interested in my adventure feel free to call me and I'll be sure to come and meet you somewhere and tell you ALL about it. p.s. Looking for a job, if anyone knows about any place that is hiring that'd be GREAT! 2 comments|post comment

[04 Nov 2005|04:12pm] [ mood | giggly ] haha what a baby, wants me out his "house" I'd call it a rat hole! no i'm kidding it's actually okay once it get's cleaned up. but that takes a mature adult, LIKE ME :) . anyways he can go back to his disfunctional kimmy and they can have hundreds of babies! yay! Horray for him. Anyways he thinks it made it complicated for me to leave when i gave Kat teh keys to his house and really it didn't at all because I'm going to stay with family in olympia untill my flight on monday. It was just an inconvienence for Kat. Anyways I'm eager to get outa here and see some people, even though I've been called a hermit because I protected myself from the "outside world" I'm sorry but I grew up in a nice neighborhood where homeless people didn't roam the streets lol. If I was walking around with somebody i wouldn't be scared but yeah by myself fuck no. thank you for the opurtunity to help find myself and gain confidence galor, it was great. sorry it didn't work out for you and you're taking it as brandon guilt blah blah. but i hope you'll grow out of that eventually. anyways I'm a happy camper I'll be whistelling as I'm packing and I'm eager to get out. Shucks because I'm a nice person I'll clean up. but wait he told me not to take anything and leave everything as is. maybe i should spread his chinchillas crap everywhere, and put moldy food on his counter that's how it was when i arrived?! naw I'm not a DIRTY person i can't do that, plus i have morals and i have to take care of myself, and i wouldn't want desi living in that condition! steping all over her poo what kinda daddy has she got? anyways I happy and relieved. i no longer pity brandon. i don't understand why i did in the first place. oh well sorry it took me this long to realize it. i mean his core is good, just a LOT OF BAGAGE! it's sad that his mom has to take care of him as much as she does. she needs to just let him fall like her and i were talking about. I think it would benifit him, she thinks so too but is to afraid to do so. be tough be strong let him fall and bring himself back up. if he's a real man he could do it. 3 comments|post comment

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